(no subject)

[mamculuna]

A while back at a retreat there was discussion of how being pleased and happy is as much a hindrance to stability as being sad and failing. There was a time in my life when I would have snickered at that, but now...maybe I'm beginning to get it.

This week in yoga, the focus was intention. And I set mine on dealing with fear, on taking the fear on the journey with me. So of course the challenging poses in both classes were flexibility poses--which happen to be the only ones I can really do well. So no fear, no journey, just loose hamstrings. Not that I object to having at least one ability! But it meant my journey was suddenly one of dealing with ego and pride, and of trying to find a challenge in what seemed easy. A big shift, and not one I'm sure I made well.

I've had that happen in other parts of my life--gotten praise when I expected criticism. (And it's not a bad thing! I'll take it!) But still, my mind is thrown off track, and I'm all caught up in it--in many ways, exactly what happens when I fail and get criticized. Obessing on me. Not getting over myself. The only difference is that this is a kind of racy excited good feeling instead of a dull duh feeling.

But they both seem...unreal. Really unreal. Like when your 8th grade crush smiled at you.

Comments

[angiereedgarner.livejournal.com]

I used to envy young artists that got major early recognition. Then I paid more attention to what usually came next for them-- and now feel more grateful that things for me are coming along more slowly. I also tend to block out praise that I can't handle, on the theory that it is better to do the work then spend a lot of time conscious about the quality of it (and maybe have my ability to work suffer).

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Exactly. And paying attention to success, especially praise, may not direct your attention to the things you need to work on.

[angiereedgarner.livejournal.com]

I'm actually even slightly paranoid re compliments? I value feedback about what hits home for people but when people are too emphatic about praising something I've done, I sometimes feel like they are trying to hijack my process, they may want me to paint a certain way.

I know I have given strong praise when I see an artist do something I think will be important for them-- I try to let them know ~why~ I think it is important so they can weigh the reasons for themselves. I need to be more careful though. Complex stuff.

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

It is. I tend to always want to share my delight when someone creates something that pleases me, but don't always think about how that affects the creator. Needing to remember this more.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

I've had that happen in other parts of my life--gotten praise when I expected criticism.

That was more common for me when I was in HS - I would get good grades on papers I'd written even though I'd felt like I hadn't put enough effort into them and didn't think they were good. What I really wanted, was for my teachers to rip me. Because a part of me felt like I needed that external kick before I would buckle down and actually do hard work. Which is a bad thing - people are supposed to learn how to motivate from within...

What I eventually did realize, was that my teachers were trying to tell me that I had actual talent - and that in some cases, the my second-guessing and over-edits weren't as good as what my initial instincts were. And that, the learning to polish was where I was supposed to be focusing my energy...

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's really true when you're young. Although I've seen bright kids who found that getting recognition early set up expectations that they'd always do well, so they got afraid to try. But sounds like it worked better for you.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Ahh. See I was an arrogant kid. I always expected to be great, so I was looking for people to tell me it wasn't good enough and point out my flaws. I knew others who were afraid to try - I was just afraid of being too complacent.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Plus... on the arrogance front, I always assumed I'd succeed, and any failure was a temporary setback due to me screwing something up somewhere, or not working hard enough. Criticism was something that was just going to make me better...

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Great that you could be that way--and I know many who are. Praise and criticism are definitely drugs with individual effects. I used to love the praise, but couldn't tolerate any criticism. Now I'm almost the reverse--especially from teachers. Glad I don't have to get grades anymore.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

It was good for me as a kid - it didn't serve me well as a young adult... there's a social development hit I took - I was not good at being friends with other kids my age... and as I've grown older, I have problems maintaining motivation to work hard once I've succeeded and met a milestone. By comparison, my sister, who was more like you in this respect, is very driven and can keep her work up and move on to new things, whereas I tend to get very lazy once I've finished a project.

[ann1962]

Wow, do you know how many touch points this is pinging on me tonight?

Early on I was never criticized and always praised academically. That did me no good. And because in so many ways, because I was a good student, I was invisible. The track stars and the football stars got all of the teacher's attentions. In college I was not one of those students who garnered all of the faculty praise. That did me no good either.

Now, because of that I have a hard time accepting praise because it doesn't seem weighty often times even when it is. I can't value it because most often I don't believe it.

A real mentor is one who will find the line between challenging you and supporting you. I still need to find that. And the obsessing over yourself is your own way of supporting yourself when you don't feel there is enough around you and when your fears are your greatest.

I am enjoying watching you take this journey and relating it to us. Thanks.

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

Yes! A real mentor knows exactly what to say and when you need to hear it. But the two teachers who mean most to me now never seem to "rate" us as doing well or poorly--just offering the specific next step or correction we need at the time, not telling us that we're great or terrible.

Though with writing, some day I'll have to deal with that OK/not OK kind of reaction, if I ever expect to get published. But maybe also that's why some writers never try to get published.

[jackiejj.livejournal.com]

What a post. Thanks.

[mamculuna.livejournal.com]

And thank you. Enjoying your many stories, long and short.